Managing Emotions in Leadership:
How to Manage Emotions Without Needing to Control Them
How leaders can enhance their performance, effectiveness, impact, and wellbeing by better managing their emotions.
Beginning March 2025, I will be available for talks.
In September 2024, I gave a workshop-style talk to a group of 25-30 senior-level government bureaucrats at the Ontario Ministry of Agriculture, Food, and Agribusiness (in Ontario, Canada) entitled, “An Introduction to Mindfulness”.
If you would like to inquire about booking me for your event, please email [email protected] with your event details and objectives. We can then schedule a time to discuss if/how I might be able to help.
Your Unwanted Thoughts & Painful Emotions Are Determining Your Life (Whether You Like it or Not)
Whether we like it or not, our unwanted thoughts and painful emotions determine so much of our lives, but only because we avoid them. Avoiding our unwanted feelings and thoughts often involves avoiding people and situations that produce these feelings and thoughts, including the very people and situations that are an important part of pursuing our most meaningful projects and a meaningful life. And as this list of people and situations (that we feel compelled to avoid) grows, life becomes narrower and narrower, and we become more and more rigid. And by avoiding whatever triggers uncomfortable thoughts/emotions, we miss opportunities for growth.
We continue to avoid doing the things we know that we should be doing in order to grow. We squander opportunities and then beat ourselves up. And then we trust ourselves less. Our relationships suffer; we feel more and more disconnected from others and our goals. And whatever little happiness/success we experience quickly evaporates. We treat our successes as inconsequential because, ultimately, we don’t feel much closer to our ideal—and, not feeling any closer to our ideal, we feel that we’ve “wasted” time. We feel dejected, wondering if we’ve achieved anything of significance and if we’ll ever achieve our goals. Moments of inspiration (during which we strongly feel that we have more potential than our current situation suggests) become less frequent and more frustrating because they remain unfulfilled. We believe less and less in our own inherent value.
We become stuck in cycles of anxiety and self-sabotage. We become stuck in habits that we’ve inherited and developed in the process of managing/avoiding (and trying to eliminate) the discomfort of feeling “incomplete”. This includes “destructive” addictions (to things such as food, gambling, shopping, dysfunctional relationships, etc.), but it also includes addictions that we might not think to be destructive, such as exercise and self-help. Either way, our attempts to free ourselves only reinforces our imprisonment. We become stuck. Fighting against ourselves.
And freedom is unavailable to those who remain imprisoned by themselves.
Whether we like it or not, our unwanted thoughts and painful emotions determine so much of our lives, but only because we avoid them.
How Avoidance Affects Leaders’ Performance, Effectiveness, and Wellbeing
Stuck in cycles of anxiety and unable to reach their goals,
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leaders feel inadequate; they feel that there is “something wrong with me” (and they think that fixing their personal/professional lives will correct this feeling of inner lack—and correct all of the thoughts and emotional consequences that stem from this feeling of inner lack).
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leaders feel that they are missing something; if only they had the “right” information or more information about the future, they would be able to grow, and they would no longer have to experience the thoughts and emotional consequences associated with uncertainty.
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leaders wonder if they’re doing the “right” thing; they feel that they would flourish if only they found the “right” thing/career/person/support, so they would no longer have to experience the thoughts and emotional consequences associated with feeling unclear about their role/future.
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leaders feel that they are unsupported by circumstances and “unlucky”—and experience the emotional consequences of feeling that things are “unfair” (including resentment).
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leaders wonder if there is anything distinctive or special about their own abilities—and experience the emotional consequences of feeling inadequacy.
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leaders feel unhappy about their reactions to stressful thoughts/emotions, including feelings associated with unpredictability. When stress begets stress and self-criticism, emotions and thoughts can quickly become difficult to manage.
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leaders feel despondent, wondering if they’ll ever have the meaningful impact promised by leadership, and experience the thoughts and emotional consequences associated with disappointment, fearing failure, and with “imposter syndrome”.
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leaders feel the thoughts and emotional consequences associated with feeling “left behind”.
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leaders wonder if they’ve perhaps damaged their important relationships (at work or at home), and experience the emotional consequences of regret and isolation.
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leaders feel that they need “permission/approval” from more successful people in order to become like them; a “successful” person telling them that they’re “on the right track” would grant them the permission they need to continue to lead.
Being in a high-stakes leadership position—e.g., C-suite executive, successful entrepreneur, senior partner at a law/consulting firm, leading physician or medical executive, private equity professional, venture capitalist, philanthropist, thought leader, etc.—creates the conditions for having various forms of impact (e.g., achieving organizational goals, creating positive social change, creating the conditions for innovation, motivating and inspiring others, building a larger network and personal legacy, etc.). When a leader feels stuck, they begin to question whether they’ll create as much of an impact as they had hoped. And if growth means just doing more of what they’re already doing (some/much of which they perhaps don’t enjoy), they imagine that they’ll be less free to have the impact they want, and may even end up unthinkingly restrict themselves from producing further growth.
People in leadership roles experience a number of challenges when they avoid their discomfort:
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Avoiding their emotional discomfort prevents those in leadership from abandoning the strategies that have earned them success thus far (the abandonment of which is required for further growth). A leader’s fear of “losing control” prevents them from removing themselves as the bottleneck to further growth. Decision-makers fear that the only way to earn more is to do more, and wonder if this is sustainable if they want more time freedom to focus on bigger outcomes and better performance.
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Avoiding their emotional discomfort prevents those in leadership from exploring possibilities and acting on opportunities, so they are unable to gain new perspectives on their situation and find the “right” information/assistance so that they can take the next step (so they can feel more supported and optimistic about the future).
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Avoiding their emotional discomfort prevents those in leadership from doing what they know they should be doing in order to produce results. (Taking uncomfortable steps to produce results—something those in leadership positions have all done before—creates a feeling of progress and competence that keeps them motivated.)
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Avoiding their emotional discomfort prevents those in leadership from looking directly at the terms of their inner life (including their “mindset”) that prevent them from growth, including their unacknowledged desires and frustrations, their (often self-sabotaging) standards, their relationship with their self/past, and those things that they might be uniquely capable of doing something about.
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Avoiding their emotional discomfort prevents those in leadership from making difficult decisions about warring commitments and responsibilities, which prevents them from designing their life and formulating strategy, preventing them from improving their relationships (in the workplace or at home), mental health and well-being, and important decisions. Avoiding their discomfort/stress prevents a leader from honestly answering the question, “what kind life do I want to to live?”
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Avoiding their emotional discomfort makes those in leadership less resilient. When life forces them to make changes that require growth, avoiding their discomfort/stress prevents those in leadership positions from quickly identifying a way forward.
As a result, those in high-impact leadership aren’t as effective under pressure. An inability to manage emotion prevents a leader from making optimal decisions (about strategy/vision, building teams/relationships, managing change/risk, etc.,) especially when faced with uncertainty—which is a leader’s primary responsibility. An inability to manage emotion prevents a leader from finding clarity that allows them to understand root causes and avoid blame—which reduces a leader’s decision-making ability. An inability to manage emotion prevents a leader from building and managing relationships (with their senior leadership team, key stakeholders, industry networks/peers, government agencies, etc.). An inability to manage emotion prevents a leader from growth, allowing their own inner life (e.g., impostor syndrome, insecurity/doubt, etc.) to dictate their behaviour. In short, an inability to manage emotion affects a leader’s ability, efficacy, and capacity. The exhaustion that accompanies leadership may feel meaningless. But the pressure to continue and vindicate oneself continues.
If you’re reading this, you are an in a high-stakes leadership position and your emotional life is affecting your performance (and likely also your personal life). You no longer want your personal and/or professional life to be reduced to simply navigating whatever produces anxiety and/or managing tasks, because this approach only exacerbates your issues: missed opportunities, frustration, suboptimal performance, and a growing feeling that you’re not “keeping up”, if even with your own standards. You perhaps feel trapped in/by your role, rather than doing what you do best. You perhaps feel unable to shape strategy, drive innovation, and/or inspire your team/employees in the way that you know you can. Whether you’re overseeing a business, managing portfolio companies, leading a law firm or consultancy, or directing large-scale philanthropic or medical initiatives (including those in senior positions in high-pressure medical environments), you want a holistic/multi-disciplinary approach to improving your performance, adaptability, and wellbeing (including your mental/physical health)—all while continuing to drive growth and achieve real-world results and strategic/sustainable growth.
Our anxieties shows us what we care about but perhaps didn’t realize we cared about. Our emotional life give us the opportunity to think seriously about how we’re spending our limited time and attention. We will never have all the “answers” to our most pressing personal/professional dilemmas, and we never know how things will turn out. And we cannot pause time or retreat to some place that is ‘outside’ of experience to “get everything right” before we continue living our lives. Regardless of our comfort level or sense of direction, we are required to move forward anyway, despite being unequipped with the perfect “justification” for moving forward in some particular way. These are non-optional dimensions of life, and of leadership. And as anxiety-producing as this often can be, no one else (but you) is responsible for making decisions without having perfect information. It’s difficult to change your life if you refuse to own up to this responsibility.
If you are a high-impact leader and feel that your current wellness/wellbeing habits (or lack thereof) are detrimentally affecting your performance (and/or personal fulfillment), what follows is a yogic perspective on wellness and leadership wellbeing.
Perhaps the simplest way to manage anxiety is to be willing to feel it. Simple, yes, but certainly not easy. (And always made more difficult by craving some state of being that we think is on the other side of our anxiety.)
The Yoga of Emotional Management:
The Four Components of Managing Emotions in Leadership for Enhanced Effectiveness, Relationships, and Wellbeing
What follows are something like four ‘stages’ of managing emotions for improved performance, stronger relationships, and greater wellbeing. This process does not follow a linear path. You’re never “finished” any of these ‘stages’ and you’re never “finished” achieving greater emotional “intelligence”, much like you’re never quite finished improving performance and enhancing effectiveness. Rather, each stage is deepened as you continue to grow and become more capable, confident, resilient, self-connected, and fulfilled. Every step forward produces new possibilities; you’ll never arrive at your destination [unless, of course, your destination is right now].
(1) Experience Your Innate Calmness & Resilience
Running From Your Emotions Means that Your Emotions Are in Control
Resilience and inner calm are not things that we must “obtain” from some place outside of ourselves. We already have them. We need only figure out what we’re doing that is preventing us from experiencing them.
But simply wanting to experience inner calm and resilience isn’t enough because the simple exertion of willpower isn’t enough, especially when the source of this willpower is the anxious individual looking to “get rid of” something in/about themselves. In these instances, our anxieties are in control. The habitual self who needs to feel secure is in control. And this habitual self who is in the habit of reaching for security cannot grow.
This basic habit—of avoiding our anxieties—produces and reproduces self-sabotaging behaviour, feelings of isolation and meaninglessness, and the relentless craving for whatever ‘next’ thing we feel we need in order to finally feel “at peace” and “complete”: more money, fame, love, attention, status, respect—the car, the house, the job, the promotion, the partner, marriage, the child, retirement, and even spiritual enlightenment. When we are no longer running from ourselves, our attention is no longer consumed by a future ideal that we think will fill up our sense of lack (which tends only to exacerbate our lack rather than free us from it).
But we cannot turn off these basic desires—to avoid anxiety and to seek security/control—with our will. This is why we need a practice to bypass the habitual self’s desire to unthinkingly escape discomfort. In other words, we need a practice for freeing ourselves from the the unconscious habits that keep us stuck in anxiety and self-sabotage—the ‘old maps’ that are determining our thinking, acting, feeling, and even our perceiving. And we need a practice to train our capacity for deep, meditative focus which, apart from being pleasurable, provides a radically different perspective on our thinking/mind and allows us to respond sensibly to the infinite demands on our attention.
What practice is most effective for helping us bypass our habitual self? Learning to sit with our anxieties ensures that we won’t waste our life running from them. Acquainting ourselves with our inner calm and resilience allows us to develop a radically different relationship with anxiety: anxiety doesn’t have to be debilitating, and moments of self-care/rest/relaxation don’t have to be anxiety-producing (by reminding us about what we’re not doing or what we could or should be doing in order to continue to grow). And we don’t have to feel compelled to constantly be “busy” just so we can avoid the anxiety of not having something—anything—to occupy our attention (and perhaps the anxiety of not being able to tell others that we are “busy”).
This is important because anxiety is a non-optional part of growth. Perhaps the simplest way to deal with anxiety is simply to be willing to feel it. Simple, yes, but certainly not easy. (And always made more difficult by craving some state of being that we think is on the other side of our anxiety.) Running from (or trying to destroy) our anxieties just means that our anxieties are in control.
We are then able to tell the truth about our situation—where we’ve been and where we are, who we are and what we [actually] want—and thus enjoy sustainable and meaningful growth in our levels of competence, confidence, autonomy, progress, and freedom. Being able to tell the truth about our situation allows us to interrogate our standards, which are often quickly revealed to be impossible. These impossible standards tend to reinforce our sense of inner lack, make us feel incompetent, and allow our (narratives about our) past “failures” to foreclose the possibility of a brighter future.
As we become more capable of viewing our situation more objectively, we become more connected with ourselves. And it is our self-connection that reduces the likelihood that we will be consumed in/by the relentless pursuit of “more”.
This is what it means to become fearless: fearlessness just is no longer running from our unwanted thoughts and painful emotions.
(2) Experience Your Innate Fearlessness
Your Growth, Impact, and Freedom are Connected to the Things You Avoid
Fearlessness just is no longer running from our unwanted thoughts and painful emotions. Fearlessness just is no longer running from ourselves.
As we learn to sit with our fears and anxieties rather than unthinkingly react to them, we’re less trapped in them. And when we’re less trapped in and by our patterns of reactivity, there is more “space” to see our underlying patterns, and to articulate—by directly experiencing—how these patterns are producing and reproducing our destructive habits. We are also able to see the ways in which our attention is habitually and automatically pre-occupied. This allows us to assess whether we’re spending our attention on matters that reinforce our suffering or that liberate us therefrom.
Changing our habitual self requires confronting these hitherto unconscious habits, especially those that we develop and inherit in order to avoid painful thoughts/emotions/situations. Focusing our efforts on making our implicit habits more explicit will allow us to see how our flourishing is tied up in the tangled emotions connected to the things we avoid. Unless we become clear about the unconscious patterns that are determining our choices, we’ll often pursue remedial measures that further reinforce our problem (and thus reinforce our self-sabotage).
Furthermore, confronting what we avoid about ourselves allows us to experience how/when our anxieties are in control. What situations trigger us? What do we do as a result? What benefit do we [actually] derive from this? Once we repeatedly see—actually see—that the actual benefits we derive from avoidance are not aligned with our objectives, new behaviours become available to us. But this doesn’t occur if we don’t directly experience the pattern; a purely intellectual understanding that a particular habit is “destructive” isn’t enough to change our behaviour. Simply studying the depths of our inner life alone is insufficient to live freely.
No longer running from ourselves allows us to (finally) bring to light these tensions and hidden (often warring) commitments that have been preventing us from adopting new behaviours. These tensions and commitments remain unintelligible because we do not approach the (difficult) work of becoming self-aware; in other words, we don’t face ourselves. And when we don’t face ourselves, resources remain trapped in repressive habitual behaviours (i.e., our habitual ways of repressing our truth—in desires and fears and thoughts and emotions, including fear, sadness, anger, pain, excitement, etc.). Confronting our repressive habitual behaviours allows us to un-cover our own resources that allow us to overcome or transcend our existing ways of being in the world. Self-awareness just is becoming aware of the various factors determining our existing ways of being. Self-awareness is self-transcendence.
As such, we continue to shame ourselves for our failure to course-correct, and we continue to search for more/better “advice”. No amount of good advice will help us if we are bound by self-sabotaging patterns that prevent us from acting on (what could be) good advice (or even seeking out good counsel). Self-sabotaging habits are often produced in response to the mere expectation of discomfort, the expectation that one will be inadequate to the demands of growth. We will not naturally seek to expand our discomfort; a self who recoils from certain forms of discomfort is unlikely to grow into something they predict will be faced with these very forms of discomfort.
Our desire to find permanent emotional/material security (to finally be “at peace”) actually reinforces the basic sense of lack/anxiety that we’re trying to eliminate. In other words, the quest for permanent freedom from our personal suffering might be the very thing keeping us from our deepest fulfillment.
Growth requires opening our (current) self up in ways that we don’t control, which may include abandoning the very strategies that have earned us success thus far. Fear is the primary obstacle. Unarticulated fears have the capacity to be most obstructive, but the process of articulating fears is unavailable to those who recoil from fears rather than remain with them. No longer running from our fears, we are more inclined to interrogate our own frustrations and standards, explore our habits and motivations, and honour our needs and inspirations. In other words, we are more inclined to being ourselves, being who/what/where we are, which means being less resistant to—and weighed down by—our discomfort and our (interpretations of our) self/past, and therefore freer to create/realize our “true” self in the world.
Managing emotions doesn’t require controlling them. Managing emotions just requires becoming aware of them before being consumed by them. Managing emotions, in other words, requires awareness.
(3) Experience Your Innate Ability to Manage Your Emotions:
Managing Emotions Just Requires Becoming Aware of Them Before Being Consumed by Them
All too often, “managing” emotions means “controlling” them. But gaining “control” isn’t too challenging; gaining “control” often just requires reducing the number of things that you feel compelled to control, which often just requires reducing the number of things that you compel yourself to control—including the various sources of discomfort that produce the very emotions that you want to “manage”. But wanting to control our inner life might be a bigger problem than we think, if only because it costs us clarity, creativity, and connection.
There are many “techniques” available to manage stress and burnout, to conquer fear, self-doubt or imposter syndrome, to destroy anger and frustration, to assuage guilt and cope with loneliness. The reason there are many such techniques is because they are unreliable, and they unreliable because they don’t address our core avoidances—the feelings we’ve arranged our days/lives around avoiding (e.g., shame/humiliation, fear, etc.).
Emotions can’t be cut off at will, as if they were a superficial addition to a more core ‘self’ that doesn’t have emotions (or that only has positive ones). Moods aren’t optional; all of our experience is “moody”, but we only notice our moods/emotions when they are particularly strong. Our moods attune us to our world in some particular way—they allow us to experience some things and not others. Whereas certain emotions self-defensively narrow our focus (which allow us to put out fires when necessary), other emotions self-forgettingly expand our focus to see the terms of our situation with heightened clarity (so we can see connections and possibilities).
The “problem” is not that we feel a particular undesirable or “destructive” emotion (including such emotions as anger/hate/envy). The problem is that our perception, thoughts, and actions are consumed by our emotions before we become aware of them—and the emotions that consume us are not conducive to our being fulfilled. Our habitual self tends toward automatically finding emotions that self-defensively narrow our focus (so we can address the never-ending list of emergencies) rather than those emotions that self-forgettingly expand our focus (so we can let go of ourselves and respond effectively to our situations).
Attempting to destroy an emotion only exacerbates the problem: trying not to feel—and being on the lookout for—anger means that anger is controlling our perception and behaviour. We must then deal with the consequences (emotional and otherwise) of avoidance: hating that we can’t “control” our anger just makes us angrier. Being unable to control our undesirable emotions makes us more frustrated (especially when it prevents us from making progress), and this frustration tends to exacerbate our self-criticism, stress, fear, self-doubt, etc.
Managing emotions doesn’t require controlling them; managing emotions just requires becoming aware of them before being consumed by them. Managing emotions, in other words, requires awareness. And awareness requires the capacity to sit with discomfort—rather than having discomfort dictate the terms of our awareness.
As we become more fearless—i.e., less avoidant of our own inner life—we become more willing and able to recognize the triggers that produce our more destructive behaviours in different areas of our life. We become more mindful of these triggers without needing to change them—and this is the (paradoxical) key to changing our most destructive behaviours. The paradox can be circumvented by committing to focusing on becoming aware of our triggers (in all of their incarnations and depth), rather than immediately seeking to avoid/change/destroy what is uncomfortable. As we begin to see what motivates our unconscious self to engage in some behaviour (e.g., the feelings, thoughts, situations, people, etc.), the behaviour sometimes changes with seemingly little/no effort.
And as we become less obsessed with ourselves (and with having the world be the way that make us feel most in control), we begin to see/hear others more clearly, because our perception of them is no longer governed by self-protection or self-elevation. And the nature of the relationship is no longer dictated by our need self-protection or self-elevation. They soften around us because we’ve softened around them, all because our rigidity around our own inner life has softened. Our more open and fluid perception allows to see more—more of others and of ourselves.
Growth requires opening our (current) self up in ways that we don’t control, which often requires abandoning the very strategies that have earned us success thus far.
(4) Experience The Self that Needs Nothing
Fulfilling Growth is the Result of Surrender, not Pursuit
Self-awareness has another, more important role. The habits we’ve developed and inherited to avoid our discomfort have obscured the version of our “self” that remains when we don’t need anything. This is the transparent site of our natural inspirations, values, desires, inclinations/strengths, and capabilities. This is the self that experiences the expansiveness, flexibility, clarity, spontaneity, creativity, and connection that accompanies the ease of being ourselves and being okay with ourselves—without the fear and insecurity that accompanies being concerned about our image.
Experiencing this self doesn’t require sanitizing our inner lives of whatever (we think) causes our sense of inadequacy/shame. It doesn’t require ‘fixing’ all of our weaknesses so that we are immune to criticism. It doesn’t require achieving bulletproof mental health and/or wellbeing. In fact, the quest for any kind of personal perfection only reinforces our inner lack, and this includes the quest for the kind of self-sufficiency that eliminates our vulnerabilities. This quest is pursued by the self that craves permission/recognition, that wants to add weight to its image/existence. In addition to reinforcing our inner lack, our craving to be invulnerable also reinforces our sense of separateness/isolation, which then motivates self-interested ways of being in the world—ways that keep us ‘stuck’ in identities, situations, and habits that produce and re-produce suffering. Our life/self isn’t a problem to be solved.
Apart from healthier emotional management, self-awareness allows us to think more seriously about the future and self we want to see ‘realized’ in the world. And this focus—on self-realization—allows us to filter and focus our attention: we don’t waste our time putting out fires and/or shoring up personal weaknesses that have nothing to do with what we find ourselves intrinsically motivated to do. We’re not preoccupied with ‘fixing’ ourselves, trying to ‘collect’ strengths with the hope that we’ll finally eliminate our feelings of personal inadequacy.
Excessive focus on our image can cause us to remain firmly in the grip of our compulsions, anxieties, and rumination. A personal vision/mission that is aimed at ‘correcting’ our situation without ‘connecting with’ our situation is often infected with inner lack, the need for recognition, doubt, fear, and insecurity. This approach can even often leave us feeling stuck, and often requiring a feeling of full confidence before even beginning—lest one be made to feel incompetent by any setback. It’s as if we only ever do things so that we can be okay with ourselves using others’ approval—as if we need them to tell us that we can be okay with ourselves. A personal vision can be exciting to create but often ends up shaming us more than inspiring us—reminding us of what we haven’t accomplished and of all the time we’ve been “wasting”. In fact, we can waste our entire lives trying to realize a vision that was never truly ours to begin with, but which we assumed was a guarantor of a weightier ego. Without self-connection, even setting goals can become painful because of our history of seldom reaching them.
And focusing on self-realization calls us to connect with our past and future in ways that allow us to be more effective and fulfilled. In our lived experience, we often see our past as just a repository of failures/incompetence, and we often see our future as containing impossible ideals, and even wonder if achieving these ideals will actually (finally) make us feel “okay” with ourselves and our lives. Our thoughts/feelings about our past only reinforces our concerns about our future, the latter which reminds us of our past. Taken together, we are reminded of our inner lack. A commitment to self-realization and self-connection reminds us that our view of the past is conditioned by our unthinking commitment to our inner lack. Remembering our past accomplishments makes confidence more readily accessible to our habitual self. We don’t feel as unsupported or as inadequate. The resulting expansiveness creates different expectations about our future possibilities, which then affect how we use our time and attention right now. Self-realization calls us to self-development through collaboration and contribution—how and where and with whom can I realize myself in the world?—instead of self-obsession through craving and comparison (which often leave us feeling disorganized and stuck, isolated and resentful, and unhappy with ourselves, our abilities, our progress, and our lives).
To realize something means to “become fully aware of” it and “to cause it to happen”. Self-realization is simultaneously understanding the self (i.e., self-awareness) and creating the self in/with the world. And this process is never “finished”. This process—the mindful pursuit of self-realization—inspires us to grow beyond ourselves, to grow beyond the (imposed) need for recognition/status—to grow beyond the ego. Fulfilling growth is just the result of freeing ourselves from limitations imposed by our habitual self’s desire for recognition/security; fulfilling growth is the result of surrender, not pursuit. It is a means for being yourself (and not an end that will define your worth).
To this self—the self that needs nothing, the self that realizes itself in and with the world—emotions are not obstacles to be overcome, but rather a rich source of awareness—and the myriad resources that awareness begets, including, among other things, the clarity and spontaneity produced by being okay with yourself—by being able to sit with, rather than avoid, discomfort.
Gaining “control” often just requires reducing the number of things that you feel compelled to control, which often just requires reducing the number of things that you compel yourself to control—including the various sources of discomfort that produce the very emotions that you want to “manage”.
Managing Emotions in Leadership:
What Can Go Wrong
Your “emotional management” practices should do more than just provide emotional “control”, “stress relief” and/or allow you to easily manage insignificant tasks. They also shouldn’t be aimed at getting others to do your bidding (or work beyond their means). “Emotional management” should be part of a larger plan that seeks to understand how to “leverage” your emotions for what you truly want: improved performance, enhanced effectiveness and impact, and growth. But this isn’t an intellectual process. In yoga, to “understand” something requires having a direct experience of it. The reason you need an experience is because what you need to know is about yourself and your specific situation—and because what you need to learn you can only learn by doing.
To obtain this experience, you need a practice to experience your inner calm and fearlessness but also your anxieties and fear, and this practice should enable you to interrogate your frustrations and standards, explore your habits and motivations, and honour your needs and inspirations—and, just as important, to then leverage these realizations to put yourself on a path towards meaningful growth. You don’t need “permission” from anyone or anything to have greater impact; you just need an effective strategy for liberating the resources from the emotions that you’re avoiding.
But the most important part of any process of meaningful growth is ensuring that the ego isn’t in charge of the process. If we cannot monitor the machinations of the ego (and its deep self-preserving habits that are keeping us imprisoned), we remain stuck (and/or success feels empty)—and will only have reinforced the very problem we were attempting to subvert.
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The key to sitting with our anxieties is to ensure that we’re not ‘sitting with anxiety’ for the sake of accomplishing some goal (including “eliminating anxiety” or “achieving growth”).
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The key to confronting what we’ve been avoiding about ourselves is to ensure that we’ve put aside the need to become more substantial and secure.
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The key to becoming more self-aware is to ensure that we’re not immediately consumed by the need to fix/change anything.
Our desire to find permanent emotional/material security (to finally be “at peace”) actually reinforces the basic sense of lack/anxiety that we’re trying to eliminate. In other words, the quest for permanent freedom from our personal suffering might be the very thing keeping us from our deepest fulfillment.
Managing Emotion is Not Controlling Emotion: Leadership Effectiveness, Performance, and Impact in High-Stakes Situations
I use the wisdom of traditional yoga philosophy to help those in high-stakes leadership improve their performance, enhance their effectiveness, and make a more meaningful impact on those around them. I specialize in helping leaders better manage their emotions to be more effective in high-pressure situations and high-stakes relationship building.
To speak directly with me about your situation, check to see when I’m available.
Fulfilling growth is just the result of freeing ourselves from limitations imposed by our habitual self’s desire for recognition/security; fulfilling growth is the result of surrender, not pursuit. It is a means for being yourself (and not an end that will define your worth).